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The Truth About Navigating Marriage with a Special Needs Child

Updated: Mar 23, 2023


Couple in silhouette reaching for each other's hands while riding bicycles.
It's easy to drift apart when balancing married life with parenting a child who has special needs.

Marriage. It’s not something that comes without compromise, trials and tribulations. Same goes for parenting. Put them together and there can be a bevy of challenges, even under the best of circumstances. After all, neither is ever an easy task, and the combination becomes all the more difficult when it involves raising a child with special needs. And it’s not just the child who faces struggles, but the family unit as a whole. These challenges can put a strain on even the strongest marriage, leading to daily stress and low rates of marital satisfaction. In this blog we will discuss the challenges parents of children with special needs face in their marriage and how they can potentially be mitigated.


1. Stress

Man holding both hands over his face in a state of despair.
The frustration from being constantly under a state of stress (fight or flight) can be overwhelming.

Raising a special needs child can be extremely stressful. Many parents report feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion due to their child’s needs, behaviors, medical appointments, and therapy sessions. This stress can compound over time and really affect the relationship between the parents. The journey into parenting almost always shifts the dynamic in a romantic relationship—late night feedings, Legos all over the floor, sibling spats—none of it is alluring, even when the children are perfectly healthy and the couple is very much in love. Add to that the never-ending demands that come with raising a child with special needs and it’s a recipe for daily drudgery.


2. Lack of time


Parents of children with special needs often have to devote a lot of time to their child’s needs, leaving little time for their relationship. This lack of time can lead to feelings of neglect and frustration, causing conflicts in the marriage. Often times one parent feels abandoned by the other—like a casualty of special needs life. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the child’s care, especially if the needs revolve around medical interventions or behavior problems. By the time the day is done and the child is tucked into bed, the parents can feel completely drained with very little, if anything, left to give to their partner. Add the exhaustion factor to all of the other tasks of daily living that must be accomplished (working, cleaning the house, scheduling medical appointments, making sure other children are getting paid adequate attention, paying bills, etc.), it’s easy to see how scheduling time together with a partner can fall off the radar or to the bottom of the priority list.


3. Different Parenting Styles

Woman in black and white squeezing her head with her fingertips in a frustrated way.
Dealing with different parenting styles can lead to frustration and discord within a marriage.

Couples may have different approaches when it comes to parenting their special needs child, which can also lead to conflicts. One parent may be more lenient, while the other may be stricter, leading to disagreements on how to best care for their child. The concept of parenting styles can often lead to marital discord, even when the children are healthy, because so much of the parents’ childhood is wrapped up in the way they approach parenting. Ideas about “how it should be done” are deep rooted and instinctual. Conflicts can come to a head when paired with the daily stresses of special needs parenting and poorly tended adult relationships.


4. Financial strain


Parenting is expensive. Add all of the extras that come with raising a child with special needs and that expenditure is multiplied. Parents may have to spend a lot of money on medical bills, therapy, and specialized equipment. Add to that the fact that often one parent must stay home to care for the child and the income they knew before can be slashed in the blink of an eye. Gone are the days of spending on romantic getaways or dinners out. The budget is reprioritized for doctor visits and medications, specialists, home alterations, etc. The financial pinch puts an added pressure on the relationship that must now be overcome.


5. Lack of support


The feelings of isolation and being all alone can also put strain on a marriage. Parents may not have anyone outside of themselves to turn to for support, leading to feelings of frustration and resentment towards their partner—and even the world in general. The parents can turn inward and find themselves lost in their own thoughts, getting pulled further and further away from the companionship that they once knew within their marriage. Feelings of fear, confusion, anger and loss of self can become all-consuming and with seemingly no end in sight. Even if there is a support system, parents can often feel that no one truly understands and even well-intentioned comments like “it could always be worse” or “at least you have each other” can cause parents to retreat even more.


6. Difficulty finding time for self-care



Parents of children with special needs often find it difficult to find time for self-care. They may be so focused on their child’s needs that they forget to take care of themselves. This can lead to feelings of burnout and exhaustion, affecting their relationship with their partner. Even if they could make time for themselves, parents often feel guilty for indulging in themselves. Spending money relaxing at a spa, on the golf course, or on an adults-only vacation can feel selfish, especially when so much of the family budget must be directed towards caregiving. With their own self-care neglected, it can be hard for couples to come together as the best versions of themselves. Usually what’s left for each other is a shell of the person that used to be—the person they fell in love with. Parents can feel like two war-torn soldiers, too exhausted to do anything but survive each day.


The numerous challenges that parents of children with special needs face can complicate an otherwise happy marriage. It is important for parents to communicate honestly and openly with each other and seek support when needed. Many couples opt into couples or family therapy (though these can be other added expenses, especially when not covered by insurance), while others seek out a trusted pastor or family elder for advice and counsel. Parents should make a concerted effort to prioritize their relationship and find ways to take care of themselves, which can help them better care for their child and strengthen their marriage. That is easier said than done, but if parents can put their own relationship back at the top of their priority list where it belongs, they can find their way back to each other and work together towards a new normal.



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